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Buffy/Riley... why it didn't work.
Watched 'Into The Woods' yesterday and had something of an epiphany...
First of all, I have to say that Riley's feelings of being unneeded are set up very nicely, but - it comes back to the old saying:
You shouldn't be in a realtionship if you want to be made happy, but to make happy.
I'm not saying that Riley should have continued with an unsatisfying relationship, but he left because she didn't make him feel a certain way:
RILEY: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.
Anyway, this brings me to my main point. It was these lines that suddenly stood out:
BUFFY: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying.
RILEY: It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.
BUFFY: But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is. And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you.
RILEY: It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it.
Riley misunderstands her there. She is NOT talking about physical strength. She is talking about the strength to walk to her own death when 16 years old. The strength to kill the love of her life. The strength to carry to weight of the world on her shoulders and not let up, because no one else can carry her burden:
First!Buffy: Look hard. What do you see?
Caleb: Strength. And the loneliness that comes with real strength.
'Dirty Girls'
A strength (and inherent weakness) that Spike of course understands:
And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die?
'Fool For Love'
Buffy tried to warn Riley, way back in 'Doomed' - and his response was that people could get through these things if they looked after each other. But that's never going to work with Buffy... not really. Because she's a Slayer:
Spike: I know slayers. No matter how many people they've got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned.
LMPTM
This is Riley's tragedy - Buffy would never, ever need him the way he wanted her to.
And we saw that even when unsouled Spike in some ways understood Buffy better than Riley. And when souled could give her what Riley never could - support without asking for anything in return:
Spike: I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me.
Mostly, I think the whole thing is summed up best in this icon by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
_jems_, which was what spurred on my initial thought:
(ETA: This is the short version. If you want *long* B/R meta, I got that too! *g*)
First of all, I have to say that Riley's feelings of being unneeded are set up very nicely, but - it comes back to the old saying:
You shouldn't be in a realtionship if you want to be made happy, but to make happy.
I'm not saying that Riley should have continued with an unsatisfying relationship, but he left because she didn't make him feel a certain way:
RILEY: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it.
Anyway, this brings me to my main point. It was these lines that suddenly stood out:
BUFFY: Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying.
RILEY: It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.
BUFFY: But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is. And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you.
RILEY: It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it.
Riley misunderstands her there. She is NOT talking about physical strength. She is talking about the strength to walk to her own death when 16 years old. The strength to kill the love of her life. The strength to carry to weight of the world on her shoulders and not let up, because no one else can carry her burden:
First!Buffy: Look hard. What do you see?
Caleb: Strength. And the loneliness that comes with real strength.
'Dirty Girls'
A strength (and inherent weakness) that Spike of course understands:
And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die?
'Fool For Love'
Buffy tried to warn Riley, way back in 'Doomed' - and his response was that people could get through these things if they looked after each other. But that's never going to work with Buffy... not really. Because she's a Slayer:
Spike: I know slayers. No matter how many people they've got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned.
LMPTM
This is Riley's tragedy - Buffy would never, ever need him the way he wanted her to.
And we saw that even when unsouled Spike in some ways understood Buffy better than Riley. And when souled could give her what Riley never could - support without asking for anything in return:
Spike: I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me.
Mostly, I think the whole thing is summed up best in this icon by
_jems_, which was what spurred on my initial thought:(ETA: This is the short version. If you want *long* B/R meta, I got that too! *g*)
no subject
I agree that it's disrespectful - I don't think anyone would dispute that. But you wrote the word "Abusive" in all caps -- which is the equivalent of screaming in internet parlance. There is a very long step from inconsiderate/disrespectful behavior to abusive behavior, and Riley's behavior far closer in the range of the former than the latter. Outside of Scott Hope, he's the lease abusive of Buffy's boyfriends.
In any case, I think we're probably talking past each other. The characters, and show, do criticize Buffy here - and it may be artless and grating, but there is a point to be made. Her boyfriend is unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship, and she is too preoccupied (and those preoccupations of hers are very legitimate...) to notice and seems unwilling to address it. But if you are going to have a relationship and ask for devotion, you also do need to have consideration to your partner's aspiration. There's a duty either give someone more of what they need, or to let them go if you can't or won't.
Viewership of the show has the bad habit of viewing Riley as an interloper, treating his perspective as if it's not legitimate and unnecessarily vilifying him. (It's not enough for them to be a bad match, he has to be a jerk of epic proportions...)
To me, the real point of their relationship is that they just don't really fit together long term. So how do you handle being in a relationship you shouldn't stay in and how do you get out of it. That sort of story is anathema to the grand shipping culture of fandom, which I think, is a big part of why Buffy/Riley gets such a terrible shake whenever it's discussed.
Breakups like this are pretty true to life, if not some of the more fantastical story elements. A girlfriend and I broke up mutually because were conducting job searches that would take us to different cities and realized we just didn't belong together.
no subject
There is a very long step from inconsiderate/disrespectful behavior to abusive behavior, and Riley's behavior far closer in the range of the former than the latter.
I'll agree to disagree on this.
That sort of story is anathema to the grand shipping culture of fandom, which I think, is a big part of why Buffy/Riley gets such a terrible shake whenever it's discussed.
Obviously I do take Riley seriously in context of Buffy's journey, whatever my criticisms, as I tried to express in my last post. So I will try to say simply: I LIKED him in S4 and thought he was very good and healing for Buffy, and that overall her relationship with him was the most positive in terms of sexuality/lovemaking. (Discussions at My Buffyholism is Showing are my point of reference here.)
I also think the break up, in terms of canon, was more devastating/scarring than is given credit for, but that's something I can write about on my own journal instead of going in circles here.
The writers might have made AYW much better of course, by showing Riley and Sam as a more "real" couple, less perfect in every way. It would have been interesting if Buffy's view of them as "perfect couple" had been contrasted with how everyone else sees them - that is, more realistically human and complex, but throughout the show Riley/Sam are perfect, shiny, wise, supportive, (if a bit cardboard-ish) to all of Buffy's friends as well (they see her the same as she does and so the viewer is given no option but to see them that way as well.) Writing it that way would have made sense within the theme of Buffy's depression as well (distortion of reality).